六年目の正直

 

やっと、ひとりであることを受け入れられているような気がする。

すべての瞬間瞬間に、どうしてわたしにはパートナーがいないんだろうって泣いても泣いても感情を出してもだしても、惨めだった。

家族でみんなが出入りする全ての場所は、自分にとって、わたしには子育てのパートナーがいないと感じなければいけない場所だった。

どこにいても、惨めで、どこにいても、心細く、どこにいても苦しくて、寂しくて、悲しくて、一人だった。

その最たるものである保育園の行事に足を運ぶことは、毎回どうしたらいいのか本当にわからなくて、たおくんの成長を喜び、ふたりで乗り越えてきた全てを感じ取る大切な時間であるとともに、わたしには、パートナーがいないとやっぱり確認しては、感情的になる時間だったから。

わたしはひとりだけど、ひとりでそれをやりたかった。受け入れられるまで、本当の意味でひとりを認められるまで、それは、なにひとつ欠けてはいないんだってことを理解するまで、なにかが足りなくて、そうなっているんじゃなくて、わたしという人間が、誰かが家族になってくれるのにふさわしくないわけじゃなくて、

ただ、ひとりであるということ。それだけだってことをわかるために。

 

わたしにパートナーがいないのは、わたしがいけないからと思ってたけど、そうじゃなかったのかもと思えた今日。

岡田さんに感謝のメールをしておいた。

子育てと、シングルであることを自分のなかでひとつづつ成長を感じられるとき、いつも同じように頑張ってる岡田さんを思う。

たおくんは5歳で、子育ては五年目だけれど、妊娠してまもなく一人で子供をうむ決意をしたのがちょうど、六年くらい前だったと思った。

 

あのときは、こんな未来が待ち受けているとは思わなかったな。

でもただ嬉しい。すべてが尊い感じがする。

本当のパートナーシップと愛を教えてくれたまことさんにも感謝。

彼がいてくれたから、いろんなことに気づけたと思う。

 

がんばったね

すごくすごく素敵な日だった。

 

 

 

 

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